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Monday, December 21, 2015

first in a while

   Hey Guys,

  It's been a long time... almost a year since I posted on here, mostly because I feel like a not so well blogger because my grammar stinks, my spelling can stink but for the most part spell check does it's job. All I can think of is all the people that talk about grammar and it being an inadequacy.  Well, for starters I am trying to learn but that isn't going to stop me from trying to type my thoughts out, it does get pretty crazy trying to keep them all in my head. My first restarting post is something that has been on my mind for a few days now, and I really think someone, somewhere needs to understand that they aren't the only ones out there. So here goes nothing:

Ever since I was little maybe 6 I wanted to be a mom, I had all these plans of what I wanted to do, where my kids would go to school, what their names would be, what they would dress like and what I would cook for supper. Well, needless to say only 1 of those things came true, I am a mom to 4 amazing kids and 3 beautiful angels. However, I can't say I am a mom with enthusiasm like I want to, but rather with a love and a sense of failure.  

   The sense of failure probably isn't near as bad to my kids as it is to me with things like  Pintrest, Facebook, Instagram, and blogs motherhood has become something more than a dream its become a something to brag about.  There is that dark cloud that looms, If I dont do... then I must not be good enough. If my kids can't.... then I must not be teaching them enough.

What isn't talked about is those days when you wake up and your heart is aching because you realized you are now in the 10th year of your oldest child's life and all you can remember doing is trying to make a magazine perfect house, a pintrest worthy craft, an other ribbon on the wall from the last baseball game that your kiddo competed it. How on days when the pain from those things bothers you so much you sit in the bathroom and cry.  How on the days when  your life is so crazy and spinning out of control, you serve cereal for supper three nights in a row. Then you pause, breathe, and thankfully look at the mouths full of  cereal with milk dripping down their little chins and behind it you see a smile.  That smile, is one of the most reassuring smiles you could ever see. It is going to be all right, no one was given a manual on how to do this motherhood thing, not one person is going to watch their daughter walk down the aisle and thank pintrest or facebook for giving them the perfect tips on how to raise their kids.  Rather, as you watch your children fly from the nest your going to sit back and remember those days of cereal, sticky floors, toy filled bath tubs, and when you wake up to get a drink in the middle of the night... you may just never feel that one escaping lego on the bottom of your foot again.  Those are the moments that will remain in your memory. 

 I guess what I am saying is through this all your failures aren't as big as they seem, its not time to try to fix what you screwed up but rather change what tomorrow holds. The words you use, the feelings you make your children feel, the things you do together even jamming out to some weird song on the radio while stuck in traffic, those will be the most impactful. Instead of trying to create the perfect childhood, the perfect house, the perfect family.. the one that is pictured in your head that is no where near what its actually like.  Take a moment to breathe, to say yes to one more bed time story, to say I love you an extra time and to offer a few more hugs. 

Dear mama, breathe, relax, know that it's ok, you will mess up, you will lose your temper, you will forget to thaw out dinner, or mail that bill that was due 2 days ago, which might I add now has a perfect coffee stained circle on the envelope. It's all going to be ok, you've got this!

I want you all to know that by no means do I have it all figured out and my life is far from calm and peaceful. Yep, I still get mad and snap at my kids when supper is 30 minutes late and the noodles just won't cook. You will probably find a dirty sock or two on my floor somewhere, and if you stop by for a visit I won't guarantee that the toilet I just scrubbed hasn't been  messed up by kids or that you wont find a floating toy in there :)